I'm picking up a half eaten piece of brownish apple from underneath the couch, remainders of food and sticky fingers all over, sea sand on the tiled floors and the washing is piling up, and the ever growing heap of ironing waiting... I asked a child to water the plants on the back patio and when I returned there were potting soil spills against walls and water puddles everywhere...
This past week I've seriously wondered if the formula for the circumference of a circle was worth a relationship. In other words: is it worth arguing and fighting and reasoning over mathematics when a relationship suffers because of it. She never likes it when we learn something new. I know this, but when will I learn that harsh words make a child's brain freeze over??? Little minds can't think straight when a mother impatiently raises her voice.
When will I learn that words and attitudes hurt? Didn't I learn this as a child already. I should know better. I remember how the sound of a vacuum cleaner can make you quiver and run for cover. I grew up in a house that was always clean and neat and tidy and never a leaf out of place in the garden. How I also want to have all that. But, at what cost? A clean house, or a relationship? A clear view out of the glass sliding door, or a trip to the park? All the clothes folded and crisp and clean, or dirty wiggly toes and lots of giggles and hugs and hide and seek? Can a spotless house compare to time spent reading a favourite story twice in a row? Three times?
When will I learn that maybe, just maybe, what seems to me a mindless action, can also be about just being together...
Oh how I struggle to keep this balance.
And then there is only just this one thing that stays needful...??? !!!
I am such a slow learner.